Connection & Intimacy After Birth

Definitions:

  • Sex, the physical act of being sexual. This can include traditional hetero and gay sex. It also includes any touch with the intention of getting yourself or your partner to orgasim or feel pleasure. The presence of your own arousal and the decision to follow it.

  • Intimacy, a sense of closeness, safety and trust with a partner.

    • Communication, Compassion, Connection.

    • Requires vulnerability and trust.

    • Looking into each others eyes, light caresses, soft hugs, or kisses on the forehead; receptive to the other person’s reactions and respect boundaries

  • Connection,Connection is when people interact with each other and each person feels valued, seen, and heard.

    • These are the simple little things you do together that build that relationship and deepen connection; holding hands, sharing interests, having dinner together, laughing at each other's jokes, Dancing, etc.


Postpartum Is:

  • Not just 6-8 weeks

  • 12-24 Months

  • Integration of ALL changes: physical changes - structural / myofascial / muscular - as well as spiritual and identity shifts.

Pleasure:

We are built for Pleasure- You deserve pleasure

  • There are as many different kinds of pleasure as there are moments:

    • Pleasure of good music,

    • Pleasure of finding things out,

    • Sensory pleasure

  • Whatever brings you joy and nourishment

  • Re-defining Pleasure

    • Physiological- understanding your new body after birth. So many things can change. Knowing pleasure is GOOD for You!!

    • Emotional- Giving yourselves space to feel all the new emotions that may come up. You can not force pleasure but you can contribute to the likelihood of it occurring.

    • Psychological- where is your head at, are you able to re-imagine what your pleasure looks like. You can learn how to access it. You can’t give or receive pleasure, you access it within yourselves.

    • Pleasure comes from both excitement and relaxation. Base camp is a relaxed state in which you can experience pleasure 1)sufficient sense of safety, 2) time to settle in 3) Something pleasant to notice like your skin.

Barries to Sex:

  • Grief & mood disorder

  • Vaginal changes

  • Hormonal changes

  • Exhaustion & Touched out

  • Body changes

  • Relationship changes

  • Breastfeeding can cause vaginal dryness. And if you’re breastfeeding, you might find that milk leaks from your breasts during sex, especially during orgasm.

  • You may have some pain during sex if you've had scar tissue develop after childbirth. Sex also might be painful if you had an episiotomy

Rest & Recovery:

Practice sitting and just being still for 5 min. Don’t worry about meditating. Just sit and enjoy resting. Connect with nature if possible

Respect your internal rhythms; after working or being active for 90 min, rest for at least 10 min

Ask Friends and family for help.

Ways to stay connected:

  • Learn together

  • Express appreciation often

  • Make time to have honest conversations

  • Remember love languages

  • Greet each other in coming/going

  • Connect before sleep and on waking with eye contact and verbal greeting

  • Dedicate 3-5 min a day for loving connection

Activities: Couple Bubble

  1. Sit down together with your own paper and pen. For about 10 min answer these questions individually

    1. What I bring to us is…..

    2. What you bring to us is….

    3. What we bring to the world….

    4. What we already are….

    5. Our guiding principle is….

    6. What I am committed to for me is…..

    7. What I am committed to for you is…

    8. Our dreams…

  2. Share your answers

  3. Draw a Venn Diagram with two overlapping circles; one with each of your names and the middle “US”

  4. Fill in circles together

Activates:Favorite Things

  • Favorite Things list ( this is one of my favorite easy ways to access the yin energy.)

    1. Take some time together and each create a list of 5-10 things that bring you joy/fill your bucket/ make you happy etc.

      1. They can be things like your favorite coffee from Starbucks, a hot bath, getting your nails done, reading a good book, going on a hike, waking up to a clean kitchen, sitting together and watching a movie, hearing the words you are doing a great job or I love you, etc.

      2. You can think about your love language when you make these.

    2. Then post each list somewhere in the house where you each can see them. This way you have direct access to how to make your partner, and them you, feel loved.

Activities:3 min Game

The Three Minute Game (from The Art of Receiving and Giving)

First Offer: Person A is Giver and asks “How do you want me to touch you?”

Giver: You can set limits or say no. Ask for clarity if needed so you can give them exactly what they want. This is not about you, you don’t own their experience.

Receiver (Person B): Really take the time to think about this, ask as directly as you can. Use “I want statements''. Example, I want you to rub my feet in circular motion with an 8 out of 10 pressure.

Once there is agreement Giver Gives for 3 min- set a timer

Second Offer: Person A (same person) asks “How do you want to touch me?”

Giver (Person A, asking the question, you are giving them the experience):You can set limits or say no.This is not about you, you don’t own their experience.

Receiver (person Doing the touching- receiving the pleasure): Really take the time to think about this, ask as directly as you can. Use “I want statements''. Example, I want to touch your face gently with my fingertips. This includes your lips and ears.

Once there is agreement Giver Gives for 3 min- set a timer

Now switch roles and start over.

You can start by doing one round each. The goal is to get to 3 rounds each. This is not about sex or orgasim, it’s about understanding what you want and asking for it. Taking time to be curious and explore your needs, wants and being able to ask for it.

When you are ready for Sex:

  • Ease pain. Take steps to lessen pain before you have sex. For example, take a warm bath, take pain-relieving medicine and be sure your bladder is empty. If you notice a burning feeling after sex, put ice wrapped in a towel on the area that's uncomfortable. Heat may also feel good after sex.

  • Use lubricant. This can be helpful if you have vaginal dryness. It's common for people who haven't needed lubricant before to need it for a while after a baby is born. There are even some estrogen laced ointments if low estrogen is a problem (Dr. Prescribed).

  • Experiment. Talk with your partner about doing something other than vaginal intercourse, such as massage, oral sex or mutual masturbation. Tell your partner what feels good and what doesn't.

  • Take your time. Try not to rush it. Give yourself plenty of time for sex. And find a time when you're feeling rested and relaxed.

Resources

Looking for support:

Check out the Intimacy and Connection Page

Intimacy Coaching

Looking for more:

Check out this blog post I wrote:

Rediscovering Us: Rebuilding Intimacy After Baby

Read Bog Here
Contact information

wholefamilydoulacarepdx@gmail.com

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